The blind shave

Before I launch into this, I just want to apologise to any family members that find this post a bit much. In my defence, the blog is meant to be a memoir of the trials and tribulations of being pregnant – warts and all. And that is what it shall be.

It’s been a few weeks since I’ve clapped eyes on the Notorious V.A.G.
(Stolen from the hilarious ‘101 things to call your lady garden’)

It is now 100% obscured by my tremendous gut. Trying to catch a glimpse of it from above is like sitting behind a member of the All Blacks in the cheap seats at the musical ‘Cats’. You can crane your neck and strain around them all you like – but you’ll only ever get a fleeting glimpse of side fluff from Mr Mistoffelees.

This has posed a problem which I’ve been brushing under the (excuse the pun) carpet for the last couple of weeks: how to maintain an orderly bush.

I desperately don’t want to have to go through a bloody Brazilian wax in my third trimester.

How is this girl going to give birth if she can’t withstand a Brazilian wax? I hear you ask.

Well, to that I say: I have pretty much no option other than to squeeze this infant out in eight weeks time, but I do have the option of whether to lie like a basking walrus on a slab, have hot wax poured on my nethers and my pubes wrenched out by a thin-wristed, nineteen year old beautician. I really feel like I deserve a break at this point – don’t you?

Veet, by the way, is not an option. They don’t recommend putting the chemicals so close to your unmentionables during pregnancy.

I’ve been thinking around this problem for a while and come to the conclusion that a blind shave is the only way to go. I did consider asking Jake to assist but eventually decided I needed to harvest dignity where I could in the run up to the birth – because heaven knows the reserves will be depleted after it.

I commenced the operation in the bath with my Venus. The whole thing felt dangerously precarious. Ideally I would have had an ear piece on with someone shouting directions from below, but alas, it was down to me and only me to complete the mission.

The ensuing twenty minutes delivered tension to rival any ‘red wire / blue wire’ bomb disposal scene you may have seen in a Hollywood film. In fact, if you find yourself watching a scene with a heavily pregnant woman blindly shaving her muff in the bath whilst staring at the ceiling, praying – you’ll know the producers of ‘Speed 12’ took my idea on board.

When it was all over, I was quite chuffed with the unseen results. In my mind’s eye I now have a beautifully coiffured lady rat. In reality, it is probably a mess. Not dissimilar to the grounds of Glastonbury on the Monday morning, or a hairless cat donning a toupee.

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16 thoughts on “The blind shave

  1. Jess your blog is a welcome refreshment during pregnancy (I’m currently 28 weeks) I’m thoroughly loving your posts – thank you! X

  2. This made my laugh out laud ( and then having to re-tell it to my housemates who also had a giggle) hope you are still in one piece!! X

    Sent from my iPhone

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  3. This is hilarious and about time someone warned us what’s going to happen, I’m still succumbing to the bikini wax at 20 weeks but the rest is down to me, which is scary as I am getting to the point of nearly not being able to see whats going on down there!!

    • It’s a hazard I tell you. There’s a gap in the market for a pregnant lady shaving service. 20 weeks – exciting! Really enjoyed my pregnancy after the big scary scan was over.

      • My scan is tomorrow and then I am hoping I’ll relax a bit πŸ™‚ But not with the razor in my hand of course!

  4. This is so true and made me chuckle! I’m 20 weeks pregnant with number 2 and I’ve already lost decent sight of ‘down there’….. I can remember tackling things with the help of a mirror during pregnancy number 1 having already decided to let my husband of that particular hook! Painting my toe nails became another act of contortion but I was adamant I wanted pretty toes for when I went into hospital. Enjoy the last stretch of pregnancy!

    • Yes! Doing shoelaces up is a nightmare too. It’s a reason in itself to take up yoga. Congrats on your pregnancy! Hope you are feeling well.

  5. Have read your whole blog today laughed lots and freaked a little – six weeks for me so still at extreme anxious faze, thanks for a brilliant insight though. It’s been 14 yrs since I last did all this, and have forgotten what fun it all is!!

    • Woweee, congratulations! Glad you enjoyed the blog. It’s a wonderful, stressful, crazy and magical time isn’t it? I think sharing helps me keep my sanity a bit. Hope you are feeling well.

  6. Feeling… Overwhelmed by excitement and fear and extreme need for info!! I know it’s the hormones, I just can’t believe I forgot all of this from last time, at the moment it’s all about peeing, aching boobs, sleep, and nausea/gas!! I was eighteen last time and must have been so naive I think I must have just strolled through it, I don’t remember fretting last time, or feeling so hormonal!! I have wanted this for so many years but not been at the right time to try, and now, well I didn’t quite expect to fall so quickly, and I’d love to just have one of them glowing magical pregnancies ( wouldn’t we all?!) ….. Overwhelmed yup that just about sums me up at this stage, but thank goodness I have the web this time round for support, last time I was all alone and tech free! …. Keep hold of the sanity, and keep blogging – it is just what I need, honest info! Xxx

    • Don’t make my mistake of googling too much and whipping yourself up into a frenzy. I also was desperate to absorb all info possible but there’s so much mis information on the web. Just get ‘what to expect with your expecting’ – that keeps me sane. Exciting times xxx

  7. I feel your pain! 35 weeks pregnant and I don’t even know if it’s still there! Had a fight with my Venus which horrified hubby. Tried to wax my bikini line myself which left me looking like I was playing a game of twister abs dripping in sweat. I’m calling my beautician this week. I think I’m growing a small forest down there and don’t want my unborn child to think he his mother has fur as he makes his way into the world…

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