My mind has been veering into worrisome places over the last 24 hours. It’s occurred to me that there is a stranger living in my lower abdomen. I’m still on holiday from work, so I’ve been pottering around Surbiton and seeming to notice a litany of horrible kids being dragged around by their bedraggled mothers, shrieking (the kids, not the mothers). One of them had a cry distinctly reminiscent of a Pterodactyl sound effect from Jurassic Park.  I’m terrified my child is going to be a nightmare. Teaching manners can only go so far – he/she might have behavioural or emotional difficulties. It’s psychopath weekend on 4OD this weekend and that got me thinking about ‘We need to talk about Kevin’…

In retrospect, taking the week off to hang out with my own thoughts at such a mind-boggling time in my life was probably a bad idea. I am about to embark on a Christmas shopping mission in Kingston on Thames which will be a distraction and hopefully not too manic on a Wednesday afternoon. Touch wood, I don’t feel too queasy this morning, which is relieving but also mildly worrying because pregnancy symptoms stopping can mean miscarriage. On that note I’m resolving to be less of a worrywort over this pregnancy. What will be, will be. I just wish I could at least hear the heartbeat. All I have so far is this nausea as evidence of his or her existence.

I’ve been heavily researching names. I’ve done a u-turn on most of the names I thought I liked before conception, now considering them too frivolous for a real baby. My clever baby who might be a company CEO one day, or someone else important. I feel a weight of responsibility about the name – as I should. I want my baby to have a kick-ass name, a name that means business – especially if she’s a girl. But at the same time it must be a name for a mysterious, attractive girl, that men will want to fly to Paris and impress – not a terrifying ball-breaker. There is a resurgence of Grandma names at the moment, I’m being careful not to get swept away with it because bizarrely, they are the only names that sound fresh. But they won’t for long I’m sure. I’m striving to find something classic that isn’t ‘faddy’, but also sits slightly leftfield of the most mainstream names. My mum and sister are convinced I am having a girl and so am I. I will be very surprised if it’s a boy.



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